The last couple weeks have taken a turn to the dark side, and I'm either going thru late phase culture shock or suffering a mental breakdown. Currently I'm hating anything and everything related to being here. It's like all the daily minor frustrations of living here all snowballed into something that I'm having a hard time getting out of. I dream of coming home. After work I sometimes get on expedia and pretend to book a one-way ticket out of here. Not good, and Inshallah it will pass.The other day at work a coworker said to me "Saudi will break the strongest person." And currently I'm finding this statement to be true :(
Work is frustrating beyond words- morale is really low right now, and most of the staff is unhappy. My caring and compassion are running pretty much on empty. At times it is abundantly clear that no one, not the patients or doctors value my medical expertise (as I am after all a mere woman.) This seriously frustrates the shit out of me! Most of my day is spent ensuring that doctors do their job, which only adds to my work, and results in me constantly biting my tongue. If only they could hear the thoughts running threw my head!!
I'm not depressed, just angrier than I have ever been in my life. I seriously think that if I could just kick some one's ass I'd feel a lot better. I've considered implementing a swear jar as my recent language is resembling a trucker/sailor/who knows, and I'm pretty sure this new lingo made my Dad blush during our most recent conversation.
So what is a trapped girl supposed to do?? Well I guess I'll keep ensuring that I leave this country as often as possible. I'm heading to India in a couple weeks for 12 days, and then have a friend from back home meeting me in Turkey in March. I've started running again to attempt to burn off some of this aggression. I bitch- A LOT. And I'm trying to keep busy, hoping that this will pass. If not then I guess I throw the towel in and come home. Part of me still wants to stay/ needs to stay as I want to pay off all my debt, and have some great travel plans coming up. I guess we'll see how strong I really am!! Hopefully next time you hear from me everything will be back to unicorns and rainbows!